Transcript: The Bezos Divide

Rob Long wonders why Amazon shopping is so easy yet watching Prime Video is so hard

This is Rob Long with Martini Shot for The Ankler.

I made a mistake this past weekend and tried to buy a desk lamp. The mistake wasn’t buying one — I have a little table I like to work at, and it needs a small lamp — but buying one in person, at a store, with other people.

“Areyouamemberofourspecialrewardsclubthatgivesyoudiscountsonallpurchaseswejustneedyouremailandphonenumber,” mumbled the person helping me check out in an indifferent and lethargic tone of voice. I didn’t really understand the question, and made my first major tactical error.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

“Areyouamemberofourspecialrewardsclubthatgivesyoudiscountsonallpurchaseswejustneedyouremailandphonenumber,” the person mumbled again, with the same lifeless delivery.

I still didn’t get it. But for some reason I ignored the alarm klaxon going off inside my head — Danger! Do not engage! Decline whatever it is and move on! — and I ended up saying something like, “Special rewards what?” As if I really wanted to know. I am as baffled by my actions as I suspect you are, but for some reason I persisted.

The person helping me looked miserable, and clearly didn’t want to go through it once more. So the words came out again, this time slower and with more space and breath between the consonants. It looked like an exhausting and dispiriting speech the company forced its employees to make to all customers, even ones who came in just to buy a ten dollar desk lamp and never ever return.

When the speech was done, I declined politely. “No thanks,” I said. “Not today.” And I got a relieved sigh in return, tapped my phone on the spot where you’re supposed to tap it (after tapping it where you’re not supposed to tap it a few times) and heard the chime that says, “We got your money!” And off I went with my desk lamp.