Transcript: Please Calm Down

Hollywood doesn't want to hear it, but post-strike, Rob Long says it's time to take things down a notch

This is Rob Long with Martini Shot for The Ankler.

There’s an old story about a man who walks into a jewelry store to buy his wife a gift. The salesman leads him through the shop, pointing out the various choices.

He points to a case filled with expensive bracelets. “Here is where we have the things that say, ‘Darling, I love you.’”

He points to a case filled with diamonds and pearls. “And this is where we keep the things that say, ‘Darling, I adore you.’”

He points to a case filled with a dazzling assortment of precious metals and gems. “And here is where we have the things that say, ‘Darling, I’m terribly sorry.’”

The husband ponders his choices for a moment.

“Do you have anything,” the husband asks, “that says, ‘Darling, will you please calm down?’”

Because as anyone who has every been in a relationship with anyone else — of any kind, romantic, familial, business, whatever — knows, mostly, that’s what you want to say: please calm down. In the joke it’s about a husband to a wife, but it applies just as easily in any kind of relationship, of any gender expression. If you and I are in an argument and you tell me to calm down, I assure you, I will go apeshit.

Still, that’s what you want to say, that’s what the other person often needs to hear, but as many of us have learned the very hard way, it’s never a good idea to actually say the exact words.

Which is a problem in the entertainment industry, of course, because it’s filled with volatile people, many of whom have made millions of dollars from precisely the inability to remain calm.