Transcript: Just Buy It. Just Say Yes

Rob Long on the endless pitch, Silicon Valley, Netflix and Fin-Syn

This is Rob Long with Martini Shot for the Ankler.

If you have friends who have kids, and if those kids are involved in any kind of group activity, you eventually have to buy something. Teams, Cub Scout troops, drama clubs, whatever — they all ultimately have to raise money, and so at some point a wide-eyed moppet will appear in your office or at your door with a half-memorized pitch and a complicated book of receipts to manage.

I have bought magazines and Christmas wreaths and pallets of cookies — cheerfully, I must say — though at one point my young nephew expressed frustration with my standard posture in these sales events, which is to adopt the attitude of a very cautious customer, demanding to know what, exactly, I’m getting — how many issues? How many berries per wreath? What’s in those cookies? Is it vanilla or vanilla flavoring? Until he finally blurted out, “Will you just buy it? Dad says you have to buy it.”

So, I know all about sales pitches. Both on the receiving end and the delivering end. Every job, deep down, is a sales job, and I’ve done my share of sitting in network television offices with a half-folded sheet of paper in front of me — for some reason, I always fold it in half lengthwise — with a list of key points I want to make as I pitch a series. The process is always the same: I tell a little story — a personal one, something that connects me to the show I’m about to pitch, and then I tell a little bit about the world, the show, and then I give a brief version of the pilot story, so that all of the characters can be introduced organically.

It’s a pretty successful system — well, not so successful that I no longer have to do it, of course. I mean, I’m here, right? I’m sitting in a chair in my little house, not in some far-off place having forgotten all about the sales years. But even though the business has changed a lot, the questions from the buyer are pretty much the same.

Inevitably whoever it is I’m pitching to will adopt the attitude of a very cautious customer, like me with my nephew, and demand to know, exactly, what they’re getting — how many characters? Are they family or just friends? Where does it all take place? Is it serialized or episodic or hybrid or something else?

Unfortunately, I can’t blurt out, “Will you just buy it? My agent says you have to buy it!” Although I’ve been tempted.