THE EIGHT CIRCLES OF AWARDS SEASON HELL

So your picture’s getting a little buzz and you’re ready to dive in and test the waters on the circuit. Well, fasten your seat belt, you’ve got a wild ride ahead. With a mere four months to go, you’re going to see sides of this industry you never dreamed possible: Awards consultants! Blogger pundits! Hollywood Award Advisory committee members are all going to demand you remember their names. You’ll go to 4th tier Guild Award dinners so endless, you’ll wonder if eternity takes the shape of a banquet hall. It’s all on the magical ride they call the awards season. So get ready and here’s your guide to the circles of hell that await your presence; please do try to be on time.

1. OSCARS
Mayor: Dawn Hudson
Claim to Significance: Still watched by..lots of people around the world.
Major Hazard: Dodging Peggy Siegal and Roger Friedman in the Eastman Room
Unsolved Mystery: Leaker of the Bailey Investigation
We Don’t Talk About: The Popular Oscar category
Requisite Ritual: Sneaking in cellphone
Bête Noire: IRS agents tracking goodie bags
Black Sheep: Anyone in the Mezzanine
Trademark Accessory: Original Home of the Lapel ribbon
Pickup Line: “I’m so glad they let you join.”
Signature Scandal: The list just keeps growing..
Median Previous Job: Hedge Fund Manager
Overheard: “It’s not getting any better, is it?”
Highest Honor: Closing spot in the In Memorium reel
Signature Freebie: Driveaway sapphire-studded Tesla with designer-scented gold bars in the glove compartment.
Motto: But it’s still the Oscars!

5. THE Q&A SCREENING CIRCUIT
Mayor: Pete Hammond
Claim to Significance: You’ve got to get them out of their houses somehow.
Major Hazard: Eyes getting poked out by out-of-work guild members waving scripts at panelists.
Unsolved Mystery: How these people got into the guilds
We Don’t Talk About: The last time anyone in this auditorium worked.
Requisite Ritual: Origin story of how they vowed to never do a film like this but then read the script and decided to do it.
Bête Noire: 15-minute-long audience question involving the third act twist, something funny that happened once at that coffee shop where it took place, the questioner’s health insurance and is anyone going towards Reseda when this is over?
Black Sheep: Man Snoring in the third row.
Accessory: Blanket and knitting
Pickup Line: “Don’t touch my client.”
Overheard: “No free popcorn?!?”
Median Previous Job: Working writer.
Biggest fear: Parking isn’t comped
Highest Honor: “It was shorter than I thought it would be.”
Signature Freebie: Can hang out in lobby for 90 minutes after screening
Motto: Catch his only appearance east of the 405 this week!

7. OSCAR PUNDITS PODCAST
Mayor: Scott Feinberg
Claim to Significance: 83 % nomination prediction rate in below the line categories for two years running.
Major Hazard: Lingering asbestos cloud in converted warehouse where podcast tapes.
Unsolved Mystery: How they became officially, sanctioned, advertiser supported “pundits.”
We Don’t Talk About: Lincoln, around Sasha Stone.
Requisite Ritual: Pretending to remember meeting the host at the Santa Barbara Film Festival.
Bête Noire: Being told to get closer to the mic
Black Sheep: Bret Easton Ellis
Accessory: Synthetic fleece zip up
Pickup Line: “Oh, I’ve met Karina Longworth. Many times.”
Signature Scandal: The Poland/Wells feud.
Little Buddy: Apple Podcasts New and Notable staffer
Median Previous Job: Usher
Overheard: “I got a 5-star review from Adrian Grenier on iTunes.”.
Highest Honor: Being asked to pose for selfie with podcaster.
Signature Freebie: One month’s worth of Blue Apron
Motto: I’m the only person in this game who gets what makes the documentary shorts category tick.

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