BULLETS OVER THE BOX OFFICE: DEATH TO ALL NARRATIVES!

• The Sequelitis-addled, opening weekend-disappointer—Toy Story 4—just crossed half a billion in a week.

• That’s for an animated film that not only were today’s animated audiences not alive for the debut of but many of them also weren’t even around for the last installment.

• When we think about the power of Disney’s streaming service, think about how the ongoing life that many of its properties clearly enjoy and the long long afterlife of its features and how it’s like nothing else in the popular culture.

• Sequelitis also apparently missed the sixth Annabelle. $31 million in five days on the sixth installment of a low-budget horror franchise. So are we ready to put an asterisk on the sequelitis talk saying *not including horror?

• It’s also a positive blip for Warners, before the “Can’t open a movie” narrative hardened into gospel.

• When you’re stressing about the third Annabelle film, and how the sixth conjuring is killing off the special luster of the Conjuring Universe . . . . When you’re fretting about which Conjurings are authentic sequels with something to say, and which are money-grubbing knock-offs, you are missing the forest for the trees here.

• As predicted, Child’s Play wiped off the map by Annabelle.

• Between the bad weekend for sequelitis and a $17 million opening for Yesterday, we’ve pretty much cleared the slate of our current media narratives in the past few days.

• Hold on tight to your Late Night and Booksmart excuses, because apparently there are at least $17 million worth of opening weekend people who don’t just think “There’s plenty of that little stuff on Netflix and I’m not going to bother going out unless there’s at least 70 superheroes on the screen.”

• Also, note, just to screw everything up completely, between us: Yesterday is a comedy…The big screen genre that circa . . . about a week ago was declared dead, buried, cremated, its ashes scattered to the corners of the earth, its worldly effects divided between its surviving relatives, its parking space painted over, and its table at Nobu released for a walk-in.

• Suggested new narrative: Cinema’s last stand is tributes to Baby Boomer icons.

• Suggested new narrative no. 2: If you want to get millions of people to turn out and shell out, having a storyline and pitch that appeals to millions of people is a good place to start. Such as one that doesn’t revolve around the issues of network writing rooms.

• In the Guy Ritchie internals, Aladdin now inches up to be worth 1,748 times the grosses of Swept Away. We wonder what sort of bonus or present Disney buys him if Aladdin can hang on and cross over the 2000 Swept Aways mark.

• On Far From Home’s $111 million take in Asia, reminder to remember that represents approximately $35 million actually in the coffers.

• Even with the re-release with an extra Hulk scene, Endgame falls short! How many runs at unseating Avatar can Disney take before things get awkward with the new director who holds half their Christmases over the next decade in his hands?

• Other things Disney could do to grind out this last $25 miliion:

  • Offer a prize to the moviegoer who pushes it over the top; make them the next Avenger.
  • Or Bob Iger’s running mate in 2024.
  • Announce they just “found” an uncounted $30 million sitting in a golf cart. “Hard to keep track of every little million when you’re running a conglomerate like this.”
  • Sub Endgame at every fifth theater for Lion King opening weekend. Bar the doors and let patrons know, Disney has decided this is what you really meant to see.
  • Spread the rumor that it played huge at Sundance.
  •  Announce that Iron Man didn’t die, that it was a mistake in the editing and corrected in versions now playing.
  • Stop the film two hours in and tell people if they want to see another hour, they have to pay again.
  •  Announce suddenly at midnight that Marvel is “dropping” a new movie . . . then just show Endgame.

ALSO IN TODAY’S EDITION!

  • THE TRICKLE TO FLEE SONY BECOMES A FLOOD!
  • THE DGA LEADS WHERE AMPAS DARES NOT GO!

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